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To accept the truth was to lose everything I’d ever known and I was afraid of what I would be left with. I hid the secret inside of me but it began to take a toll.
First there were blinding headaches so intense I’d be curled up on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet.
It was the mid-‘90s and the Internet was still something you had to access with dial-up and a shrink-wrapped CD from AOL.
Any time I’d walk in while he was on the computer he’d immediately turn to face me. ” I could hear the telltale sound of the mouse clicking to minimize a screen. Once he finished, I pretended I wanted to get on Instant Messenger.
I was no longer living in a world where some of us were entitled to wag a finger of judgment. When I was done I logged out of the account, deleted the hacker program and decided to pretend like it had never happened.
I needed to believe the lie and continue being the smiling daughter of a godly man.
She eventually took me to another doctor and he told me I had depression. * * * Two days before I started my freshman year of college my car broke down on the side of the road.
Mom was busy at a church fundraiser so Dad came to rescue me.
This was not the way my father would have written our story.
In the Christian parenting books he authored, we were always the perfect family.
Mom took me to a doctor and he told me I had migraines.
The next year I began to suffer from excruciating stomach pain that left me unable to eat.
I don’t remember these touching moments, nor do I recall any of the stories about him tossing a football with my brothers in the front yard.